Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Posted by Melissa at Wednesday, September 05, 2012 0 comments
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Palm Sunday - Newsome Style
When we lived in Hawaii Amanda started school. While in Kindergarten, which was full-day in Hawaii, Amanda went on her first field trip to the Honolulu Zoo. Field trip day is always exciting for the kids and Amanda was giddy with excitement as well.
After school that day the children were all sitting at the table enjoying a snack so I asked Amanda about her day, "So, your very first field trip! What an exciting day. What was your favorite part of the zoo?" Fully expecting a response of something like the apes or giraffes or bears, I was surprised when Amanda paused for a moment and then said, "I liked the Savannah the best."
The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted,
“Hosanna to the Son of David!”
“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”
“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”
From Monica and the entire Newsome family -- Savannah! Hosanna! Have blessed Easter Season.!
Posted by Melissa at Sunday, April 17, 2011 0 comments
Sunday, August 01, 2010
The Ugly Side
As I wrote the post below, Zach is playing X Box (again) after sloppily rushing through a job I asked him to do, after first complaining and groaning how unfair I am and how it was too hot outside . . . .
Monica took her crabby self upstairs because she's sick of "my music" because after all, the house should revolve around her and her likes/dislikes . . . .
And Amanda is (again) MIA -- because she comes and goes like she's just a tenant in an apartment (that --ahem doesn't exactly pay rent) and not a family member in a home . . . .
I guess that's why they call a Mother's love unconditional.
Posted by Melissa at Sunday, August 01, 2010 0 comments
My Children
My first born. Though in eager anticipation I awaited your arrival, I was at times wrought with fear. I was afraid of labor and delivery and if you would be okay but mostly, I was afraid of becoming a mother, what if I wasn't good enough? During my pregnancy I loved you even not knowing you and I thought that was the extent of my maternal love. What I did not know is the very moment you took your first breath, you unlocked recesses of my heart I never even knew existed. I discovered a new love that was amazing and fresh. With you everything was new and with each of your own discoveries, I learned more about myself, our Creator and this world we live in. My heart would leap just at the sight of you. You grew my heart and my mind and in that, I found indescribable joy. My first born, you are my joy.
You have filled my heart with greater joy. Psalm 4:7
My middle child. You broke the mold. Just when I thought I had motherhood all figured out, you came along and I soon discovered I had nothing figured out. I didn't know loving you was going to take me by surprise as it did when my first child was born. Your new life took my breath away. Thinking loving you would just be an extension of the motherly love I already experienced, I was simply blown away the first time I laid eyes on you. You led me on a path of discovery as I discovered not only who you were but who I was as your Mother. Your brand new life brought to me a brand new love. You stretched my heart and my mind and in that, I found indescribable love. My middle child, you are my love.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:13
My last born. You are like the happy ending of a story you don't want to end. When saying good-bye to the characters of a good book, you can be left wondering, "What comes next?" And the first time I held you I thought, "What comes next?" When you were born I realized you were the secret desire of my heart, I longed for you before I even knew you. I could not wait to show you the world, to introduce you to all of creation and everything that is good. I wanted to teach you and help you grow but in the midst of that, you taught me and helped me to grow. You made me a mother I had never been before. Not just a third addition to our family, you were the culmination of joy and love. You opened my heart and my mind and in that, I found indescribable delight. My last born, you are my delight.
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
My Children. You are my joy, love and delight. I marvel at the creation of you.
For you created my inner most being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14
Posted by Melissa at Sunday, August 01, 2010 1 comments
Thursday, July 22, 2010
WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE?
When we lived in Georgia, one of our neighbors was a single woman that had a 30-something son that lived with her. Gathering from small-talk conversations here and there, the son had fairly recently moved back home with Mom, after losing his job and unable to live on his own. But it was just a temporary arrangement, the Mom would say.
I'm usually not very chummy with our neighbors because for one, I am an extremely shy person. Most people wouldn't guess that about me but I find it PAINFUL to engage in conversations with people I don't know. Also I'm not a lover of the outdoors so standing at the fence for hours upon hours talking to a neighbor isn't something I'd be very apt to do --but Jerry, my socially equipped husband, would find no greater way to spend an afternoon. And he did, many times.
And so our dear sweet neighbor would often tell of her son, "He's very hard working, such a nice young man --he just fell on some hard times but he's working hard to find another job . . ." But as far as I could tell, this 30-something man was well --not so hard working and not really looking for a job. He'd often say to Jerry, "I heard such-in-such place was hiring so I thought I'd go over there and put in an application." I mean, he thought a lot about things but putting those thoughts into action seemed an insurmountable task to the young man er, I mean --fully grow-up adult son. Jerry and I found it amusing how the mother spoke so highly of her son and yet, as far as we could see, he was just the opposite of everything she'd say. The son never stayed at one job every often as he often spoke of many different places, “. . when I worked over at . . . " and in a short amount of time too. We hardly ever saw him leave the house and not that we were the Mrs. Cravitz type but you know, in the course of our daily living, we hardly saw him out of his sofa-lounge wear or going to and from places. So maybe I'm being judgmental or harsh? Perhaps but most telling of this man was the condition of the neighbor's yard. The back yard was a disaster. The son brought his dog to Mom's with him and the dog did what dogs do in back yards, and the son never cleaned up after the dog --and the front yard had grass (weeds) 2 feet tall. The 30-something man would say, "Yeah, I'm 'bout to mow that grass for Mom." but much like the job hunting, the thinking rarely came to fruition and it wouldn't be long before we'd see the Mom mowing the yard.
Jerry always says of our own children, they can always come home. No matter what their age or circumstances, our home is their home –FOREVER. And I agree. We’d never turn our children away from living with us no matter their age or even how many they had in tow with them; spouse, children and a pet or two. That’s what Home should be – a place you can always go back to. Then again, if my 30-something year old unemployed son was living with me, my yard work would not be left undone and not because I'd demand that of him but hopefully because we instilled that in him --sort of that "earn your keep" mentality.
But this really isn’t about 30-something year old sons, former neighbors or yard work. In my lessons of learning to let go, I find this very strange phenomenon; that we as parents spend the entirety of our children’s childhood raising them up to be adults. It’s the end result, the goal, what we work towards. We teach them and prepare them, as best we know how, and then we let them go.
Let them go.
Everything we do is in an effort to make our children independent. Roughly at the age of two, they start grasping some of that concept when willfully demanding, “Mine! Mine!”, of almost any belonging, theirs or not. Along with trying to brand every item they ever touched as their very own, my toddling children used to also love to exclaim, "I do!" because they loved being so independent and free.
We cheered them when they learned to walk and talk and mastering using the potty was a celebration indeed. Early in life our children were taking these tiny steps towards total independence and as parents, we longed for it too. As a young mother I remember being anxious for that next milestone --I can't wait until they can walk, I can 't wait until they are out of a car seat, I can't wait until they can sit at the table and reach, I can't wait until they can . . . .
And now they can.
This is what we worked so hard towards, right?
So why is it so hard?
You see, I don't want a 30-something year old son living at home, not working nor attempting to work and not at the very least, helping around the house --and I certainly don't want his dog's poop piling up in my back yard. . . .
I don't want dependent adult children and Jerry sometimes jokes, "I'll be glad when I can walk around my own house butt naked."
But you know, that's just Jerry's way of saying he longs for some privacy in his own home.
I don't even know where this post is going except to say, this is a very strange stage of parenting for me. I want them to go and I want them to stay. All at the same time and at any given time, I can sum it up as feeling this way about my children --
PLEASE DON'T EVER LEAVE ME! WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
In some ways I'm still looking forward to those new milestones --I can't wait until they graduate college, I can't wait to see them choose a career or spouse --I can't wait to see where their lives go . . .I want so much for them and their future . . so much that does not include dog poop piling u in my back yard.
All I know is this, new Moms think they have so much to learn and they think at some point it finally clicks. It doesn't because as soon as you have one thing figured out, your children grow into a new stage. Parenting is constant learning and growing.
The best I can do is try to be the best learner I can be and open myself to growing.
They don't need me as much anymore and I guess in a way that says we accomplished our goal. Just like the first time I let go of a chubby toddler's hand and watched them walk away, I'm letting go now too --watching them walk away. And it leaves my heart screaming . .
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
Then when they stumble or feel insecure and try to grab hold of my hand again it leaves my heart screaming . .
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
*sigh* I just can't figure it out.
I just hope they all go before Jerry starts strutting around in his birthday suit.
Posted by Melissa at Thursday, July 22, 2010 0 comments
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Peace and Quiet
I remember coming up to Mother's Day one year I was in the midst of cooking dinner, the washing machine going, tripping over towers of toys, TV blasting and three children running around the house when Zach approached me and wanted to know what I wanted for Mother's Day. I didn't really have anything in mind but more than that, it was just really bad timing on Zach's part. When I told him I really didn't want anything he kept pushing the issue and wanted to know something concrete.
but you know, like I said . . it was really bad timing. I finally said . .
"Peace and quiet! I'd just like some peace and quiet!"
But as three year olds would do, Zach took my request literally. In fact, so literally when his Cubbie Leader was asking the children what special things they had planned for their Moms for Mother's Day Zach said, "My Mom just wants some peace and quiet." She got a chuckle out of it (Judy Campbell).
Fast forward 15 years later.
Jerry is away at ROTC camp, Amanda is out to dinner with friends, Monica is at work and Zach is at the Y playing basketball.
*cricket cricket*
Be careful what you ask for.
Peace and quiet feels a lot like just being alone.
Posted by Melissa at Tuesday, June 15, 2010 0 comments
Saturday, May 08, 2010
From Slavery to Graduation
It is very difficult for me to speak of these things because they are not my story to tell. I did not walk these steps; I did not fight this fight. So simply from the perspective of a by-stander, I try to grasp the significance of this day; Amanda’s graduation from college.
Congratulations, Amanda on your graduation from
Go now and teach.
Teach the future generations to read
to grow
and learn
to live
and love
to know
and remember
the fight
the freedom
the place
from which you came
and to where you will go
with the blood, sweat, tears, love and blessings
of generations before you.
Posted by Melissa at Saturday, May 08, 2010 0 comments
Labels: Amanda
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Leaving and Cleaving
Yesterday we took Zach on a campus visit and you know, I'm familiar because after all, I've done this before with our daughters. Even though visits to Miami University and Kent State brought me to tears, I was strong this time. Maybe I am growing up, learning to embrace a pre-empty nester stage. Maybe I finally get it.
Maybe.
Today our Pastor started a new sermon series on the family, Family Focus, you know --not to be confused with Focus on the Family because that's been done. And Pastor began at the --well, at the beginning. You know, like Julie Andrews did with the von Tapp children, he said, we'll, "start at the very beginning, a very good place to start."
I was ready to start --and possibly break into a musical stance because I know every word of every song from the Sound Of Music --oh but this isn't about that family so time to pay attention now.
And pay attention I did. I really did. Here we are in Genesis 1, the very beginning --God's design of the family unit; a husband, wife & children. So far so good because I understand God's design of the family. I get one husband, one wife. I get divorce was not God's plan . I understand blended families and single parenting homes were not God's design. I understand a MAN and a WOMAN --not two of one but one of each. So Now I can probably sit back and coast through the sermon. Having once myself been on the brink of divorce, I understand the trials of marriage but I also understand even when you can't commit your heart and self to a person that has broken your heart time and time again, you CAN commit your heart and self to a GOD that has healed every crack, a GOD that walked me through the fire. A God that brought restoration to my marriage, to my heart.
So I was all set to sit back and only half listen, perhaps make a mental grocery list for this afternoon's commissary trip and then, and then, AND THEN --Pastor said something that put on the breaks.
Leave and Cleave.
Hold on Pastor, now you've gone too far! I was 'bout to get up and call a Time Out. This ain't no do re mi and I ain't fa la la la la-ing along!
These aren't words I want to hear. My heart has spent the last 4 years wresting with this leaving stuff. Leave? Visions of Zach on campus yesterday --far far away from me ran through my mind. I wanted to shut down but as the Holy Spirit has this tendency to do, I heard a new message in this Genesis 1. It wasn't about my leaving but their leaving. The message for me today was not about my marriage but my family and now I was listening with more intent and I was listening as a mother, not just as a woman.
And I was learning. learning more, growing into a deeper understanding.
Speaking of her future, Amanda once said something about moving out of state and I asked her if she'd really leave me and she said, "Mom, its what children do --they grow up and they leave." I seriously wanted to slap her, that cuts deep. I mean I didn't really want to slap her and I know what she said was true but you know, I'm still learning about letting go.
Left up to my own design, it would be more like --I'll let you know when I'm ready for you to leave and there will be no cleaving. But you know what? Its not my design.
Ready or not, here I come!
Ready or not, Melissa, its time for them to leave. Ready or not Melissa, they're gonna have to cleave too. Its not about them wanting to leave. Its not about me wanting them to stay. Its just not about our own choices. It's about God's design for the family. He reminded me that they will leave me, he will not. And God hasn't forgotten every aspect of his plan, his design. He knows my heart. He knows my struggles. He knows how hard it is for me to let go. He knows my pain because he's God.
A perfect God.
That knows far more than me.
What's best for my family.
And my children.
A perfect God and His design of the family.
Leave and Cleave.
Who am I to mess with that?
Posted by Melissa at Sunday, April 11, 2010 0 comments
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Notes
When they were younger my children often left me notes on my pillow. I loved them. After reading them, I'd slip them into my night stand drawer. Now years later, whenever I need me a pick-me-up or whenever I'm missing my girls, I pull the notes out and read them. I reminisce about those innocent childhood days. I laugh. I cry. Here are a few of them exactly how they were written. Don't let me forget to where my hair silly and don't let me forget my instrument. Please let me sleep as long as I can. I need some cloughs to where. Thank you very much for the lipgloss. Love, Monica I love you Mom. Thank you for such a great birthday. Mom, Please don't forget to turn off my lava lamp because the last time I forgot to tell you it stayed on for 8 hours!!!!!! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! Mommy, Please wake me up early to study my spelling words. I love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH! Amanda Dear Mom, My tummy hurts. But I want you to come to my room just me and you. Also I want my tooth out it is killing me. From, Monica Newsome P.S. I love you to the water tower and back. NOT :) P.S.S. I love you to heavens heaven and back a million times. Dear Mom, When are you coming home. Have a safe trip. I love you. DRIVE SAFE! I love you. Zach keeps crying. Make sure you wake me up so I can say by to you. Love, Monica (this one is in colorful crayons) 39 thirty-nine more beautiful kids growing up another year of your life I love you for another year Still young Happy Birthday I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and that you are the best thing that has happened to me. Dear Mom, I just wanted to ask if there was something wrong because you seam very angry and I hope you do not stay angry for long. I hope you have a safe trip to Chicago and home. I LOVE YOU! Love, Monica P.S. Don't stay angry long. XOXOXOXO Dear Mom, I love you. I want to know if I can ware shorts tomorrow because I know that it is going to be hot enough and I just want to because I think that by now I should be able to ware shorts. I can't wait to get your camp kern money so I can go shopping Maybe buy my own lipgloss company, It will be called Purple lipgloss for Princesss . . .or something like that but I don't think I will every get tired of purple. My wedding is going to be purple. Love, Monica Ramona Newsome P.S. I love you!! Dear Mom, I love you very much. I just wanted to say hi. Love, Monica P.S. I love you to the moon and back one thousand times. (Here's one I saved from Jerry's pillow) Dear Dady, I thank you for leting me help. I like working with you it is fun. I also like haning out with you. Most Dad's and son's don't have a good reltionship like us. I love you. I LOVE YOU! I love you Dad From, Zach your son Respect Mom I said this a thousand times. sometimes People say to get them off your back. Sometimes people mean it. Well this time Mom I mean it. I'm sorry I'm really sorry. I hoped that you will forgive me. Sometimes I mean to show it but sometimes I don't. I'm sorry when I complain and stomp by feet. Or when you tell me something I indure [ignore]. Or I groan I talk under my breath. But Mom I don't mean it. You have the right to punish me. sometimes I see it in you when your tired. You want some rest. Like you would want a big vacation. You deserve one. I see it you came home from a long day at work. Most people rest after that but you haft to take the complants [complaints] from me. I never say hi any more. I'm always demanding something. When I don't get my way. I pout and get mad. All I'm saying is here's your vacation. I will try not to give you a hard time. Thanks for being super Mom. Love, Zach There are countless more. I love them all! I love those days. I love my children. They are my heart, my past, my present and my future. Thank you Amanda, Monica and Zachary for loving me and being such great children. It is my honor to be your Mom. I love you to the moon and back.
Posted by Melissa at Sunday, March 14, 2010 0 comments
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Where Did She Go
Where did she go, the baby I once had
I went to her crib and walked away sad
For the tiny baby that had my heart in a furl
Has now been replaced by a little girl
And I loved that girl and watched her play
Hoping a little girl she always would stay
But I soon discovered her dolls were no more
For now she has stepped through yet another door
And before me I saw a young woman at heart
Hoping with this one, I never would part
Then one day I discovered she needed no longer
My hand to hold her--and I had to get stronger
To let her walk away into a life of her own
For my baby girl is ever so grown
I see in her eyes such spirit for living
Her heart ever open, her soul ever giving
To the future before her, unknowing and new
So I step to the side, as us mothers must do
Before me a I see a woman I adore
My pride ever swelling more and more
Though my arms ever empty and my hands ever still
My baby ever growing, my heart gets its fill
Of the love of a baby, my girl and my daughter
Watching her learn lessons life has now taught her
And the journey of this mother's heart
That sometimes can get stuck back at the start
Because I sit and I wonder, where did she go
The baby I held, that needed me so
The crib so long gone and the dolls packed away
A baby and girl she could not stay
And it all went before me ever so fast
Dashing through the present, making a past
Where did she go, the baby I once had
I went to her crib and walked away sad
Posted by Melissa at Saturday, November 07, 2009 0 comments
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mothers
An Army Blogging Break to say, I'm so thankful for my children and being their mother is truly the most honoring & exciting experience I have ever had. I'm blessed beyond measure.
Any amount of love my heart is capable of flows from a merciful God that demonstrated his love for us when his son died on the cross. We love Him because He first loved us. Second to that are the lessons of life and loving I learned from two very godly strong women; my mother and my grandmother, Meme. They are both home with the Lord now. My heart is ever so thankful for having the privilege of knowing and loving them both.
Happy Mother's Day!
Posted by Melissa at Sunday, May 10, 2009 0 comments
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Driving Lessons
I think one of the important elements of parenting is to know your strengths and weaknesses. For instance, when it came time to teach the children to ride their bike without training wheels, I definitively knew this was Jerry's thing. A considerable intolerance for being outside and a lack of patience made me the most unlikely candidate for such a task. Besides, I always made the kids wear a helmet, knee and elbow pads. They would complain they couldn't peddle with the knee pads on to which I would reply, "Be quiet before I mummy wrap you in bubble wrap too." Jerry could handle seeing the kids spilled and splattered onto the pavement -- I preferred not seeing them until they could stay on the bike, break and dismount without shedding one drop of blood. Fast-forward now to the teenage years and it being time to teach your oldest to drive. I guess technically it's an outdoor activity but since I can still sit in the comfort of air conditioning or heat, I didn't mind taking on the challenge. I very vividly remember sitting in that blue Impala driving around the Randhurst parking lot with my Mom -- good times -- those were the days! I can make the same lasting memories with my kids --.
For the past year I've been Amanda's primary driving instructor. If I've learned anything from this experience it has been -- Jerry will have to be Monica and Zach's primary driving instructor. I will develop a serious heart condition if I have to go through this experience again. Amanda gets all flustered with me and she often whines, "Don't yell at me while I'm driving." It's not that I yell as a disciplinary action and I think my yelling is warranted. You know, when you see an ambulance coming head on and your driving daughter oblivious to its existence, I don't think yelling, "STOP! GET OVER! AMBULUANCE HEAD ON!" is unreasonable. I also don't think it unreasonable to yell after that same driving daughter nonchalantly tells you, "What? I didn't see it." So yelling, "HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE OR HEAR AN AMBULUANCE FLASHING IT’S LIGHTS, COMING HEAD ON AND EVERY OTHER CAR ON THE ROAD PULLED OVER?" Hey, who says Lamaze is just for childbirth? Those breathing exercises come in handy when you feel like shaking sense into your child. Like I said earlier, patience is not my virtue.
Wanting to finish the job I started, I realized the only thing we've not yet done in Amanda's driving lessons was highway driving. To give Amanda credit, she really is a good driver. The mistakes she makes are just part of the learning process. The problem is me, mostly.
Sunday afternoon we were just all kind of hanging out so I decided to take Amanda out for a drive. Monica came with us as my intent was just to drive around town and perhaps stop for ice cream along the way. OK, I confess -- my intent was to get ice cream under the premise of taking Amanda out to drive. There, I said it! I'm so ashamed. We were driving around town only to find our little Ice Cream spot was closed. I decided we'd just drive around some more. When I saw we were approaching the on ramp to I-70, I decided it was time for some interstate experience. After all, Amanda has been driving for over a year now. It can't be avoided forever! In retrospect, I guess it would have been better for Amanda had we planned this and not just spring it on her. She didn't have time to emotionally prepare but that's what I thought was good! She didn't have time to worry about it -- and we all know what a worry wart she can be!
I instruct Amanda to get into the turning lane and she says, "There? Turn left? Going on the highway? There? Mom?" I sensed she was nervous so I acted like it was no big deal, "Sure. You're ready. Let's try it." We circled around the on ramp and as we approach the highway I'm now more nervous than she. What was I thinking? Is she really ready for this? I have Monica in the back seat for goodness sakes! Where is my clarity of mind? Amanda was very hesitant to merge into traffic so she was going quite slowly. I was in the passenger seat looking over my shoulder at this truck coming our way and the left lane blocked so he couldn't get over and I repeated, "Speed up, speed up, Amanda -- speed up.....! In the outside mirror I can see another van on our tail anxious to speed up for his own merge into traffic but not able to do so with Amanda in the way. My eyes are darting between the truck, road ahead, the van behind us and Amanda. In those split seconds I realize if I instruct her to break, we’re getting rear-ended by the van. If she doesn’t speed up, we’re getting run over by the truck. If we hit the guard rail, we’re getting smashed in by both. There is no shoulder to escape to. We are now sandwiched between a speeding truck, van and the guard rail. "Amanda, speed up. Don't be afraid. Speed up! SPEED UP! AMANDA!" She kept creeping along and finally I yelled, "FLOOR IT!" The next thing I knew my head was pinned against the head rest and out of the corner of my eye I could see Amanda's hands tightly gripping the wheel at the perfect 3 o'clock and 9 o'clock positions to the point her knuckles were bright white. We merged just ahead of the truck when, finding an opening in the left lane, the truck gets over and passes us. As my heart begins to slow down to a normal pace, I realize my right foot is pinned to the floor of the van in my attempt to make the ghost accelerator peddle on my side speed up the van. I relax my tightened muscles, take a deep breath and look over at Amanda. Her eyes were wide and intent on the road and her body was so stiff she looked like a statue. I don't think she was breathing so I said, "Relax Amanda. Take a deep breath. You did fine." I see her chest rise and fall as she takes in some air for the first time in several minutes (which is what it seemed like) and the color returns to her face. I look back at Monica who seemed to have taken the whole thing in stride -- her feathers never seem to get ruffled, so I thought.
Silence the rest of the way home.
Pulling into the driveway of 1019 Lofton Drive was never so comforting. As I get out of the van Monica approaches me from behind and in a very soft whisper she says to me, "Sissy almost killed us!"
Sissy did no such thing. Her mother, however, put two children and herself into a path of danger. Amanda didn’t speak a word about it.
Later that night while relaxing and playing cards, Amanda blurts out of no where, “Man, you just don’t realize how fast those cars are coming on the highway until you get behind the wheel.” We all broke into some nervous laughter and I felt a surge of relief, regret and pride.
It’s confirmed.
Jerry takes the helm with Monica and Zach’s driving lessons.
Posted by Melissa at Thursday, October 30, 2008 0 comments
Labels: Amanda
Monday, February 04, 2008
To My Teenagers
I do not want to be your best friend. I am your mother, the position of authority remains with me. I don't care how much you might tower over me, size or height does not equate authority. The transfer of authority from me to you will happen the first time you have to change my Depends.
The last thing I want to be in your eyes is a hypocrite so I will try not to tell you, "Do as I say, not as I do." I want to set a good example for you but be patient, I am imperfect.
"Because I said so!” now that's a cliché I might sometimes use. I will try my best to always give you an explanation but sometimes your behavior or attitude doesn't warrant me to explain myself and other times, I simply do not have the time to go into it.
Not having time for your needs does not mean they are not important to me. There is one of me against 4 other family members. Please understand and do not feel slighted when I have to take care of someone else before you.
I am not your maid, cook or chauffeur so please do not treat me as such. This is not Burger King so you can't always "have it your way". I expect you to pick up after yourself and do your part as a member of this family to keep our home safe, clean and happy.
The day you were born in blazed in my memory forever. It was the perfect culmination of God's creation in which he used two broken vessels such as myself and your father and created you and the greatest miracle of all, entrusted your life to us. I will never forget the day of your birth and because it brings me such immeasurable joy, I will tell you about it over and over again. Please do not ask me to stop doing so.
I realize you're almost an adult and you have a full grown adult sized body but when I look deep into your eyes or beyond your sassy smile, I can still see that precious baby I once held in my arms and nestled into my neck. I can't help it, no matter how old you get to be, you'll always be my baby.
When you lie to me, you are hurting yourself more than anyone else. I know how difficult telling the truth may be but when you weave a web of deceit, it will crumble the foundation of your morale character that will destroy you. Also, I can't help you when I don't know the whole truth. Do not break my trust in you.
If you ever are in trouble, no matter how terrible the situation might seem, I can help you far better than your friends can. I have the maturity, experience and resources to help you find your way out, your friends do not. Come to me before you go to them.
I would rather you have one true friend than 50 superficial friends. Popularity only lasts 4 years of high school; true friends can last a life time.
The risk of STD's and pregnancy are real as are the harmful effects of drug and alcohol use. Those are important enough reasons to abstain from premarital sexual activity and drug or alcohol use but the real reason I want you to chose not to is simply; you have been created by God, in the image of God and for God. You are a masterpiece of your Creator. Respect your body as such and do not defile His creation with such foolish sin. It will harm your body and torment your soul.
When you lose a game or competition it's probably because you and your teammates made a mistake or the other team just played better, not because they cheated or the refs cheated. When you lose, do it with dignity and learn from it and become a better player/performer because of it.
Your teachers and coaches have your best interest in mind, I doubt they lie to me about your grades or behaviors so when you get in trouble at school, please don’t try to blame them. Accept responsibility for your actions. If you tell me someone has cheated you or an injustice has been served, I will fight for your honor and if it is later revealed you were not truthful, you leave both of us looking foolish but most importantly, you harm my credibility and then when a real injustice is done, my voice may not be heard.
The world is full of mean people. Never be one of them.
The world is full of kind people. Always strive to be one of them.
The purpose of dating is for two mature individuals to eventually find the life mate God has intended for them. High school age is not the time to start looking for that person. Exclusively dating one person leads to a false sense of belonging to each other, which leads to kissing, which can lead to other things too. In your young teen years, you do not have the maturity to control those things so just remove the temptation in your life all together. You may occasionally go on dates and to dances but you will not be permitted to exclusively date one person or have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Enjoy your high school years without all that drama and when the time comes that dating is proper for your age, proceed with prayer and caution.
I reserve the right to choose your friends. You may be friends with whomever you choose however; if I see their influence on you is decaying your moral character and causing you to make bad choices in your life, I will limit the time you spend with them or even demand you sever your ties with them. This is not negotiable no matter how upset or angry that makes you, my age and experience allows me to see far deeper than you are capable of.
I want you to have the freedom to express yourself in the way you dress, music choice and other areas of personal choice however; you may not cross the line in decency or morality. If you cross that line, I will intervene.
It is not possible for me to love one of my children more than the other and everything I do is with each child's best interest in mind. You will always be equally loved by me however; you will not always be equally treated by me. Each child has their own level of responsibility and maturity at different stages in their life. What one child might have done at age 15 another child might not be ready to do until 17. It is not unjust nor is it favoritism -- it is simply weighing each circumstance with the uniqueness of each child and acting accordingly.
Though the law says you can drive at age 16, we your parents say you can drive when we feel you have earned the privilege. That's right, EARNED. It is not your birth right to take our vehicle to the road while we pay for your insurance and gas. That is earned by you demonstrating responsibility, trust, maturity and obedience to other rules set forth. The most important factor in deciding when you are able to drive is your safety. We just aren't willing to risk that.
I do not want to pressure you to be the star player, get the Varsity letter, make honor roll, be or popular among your friends or anything else however; I do want you to push yourself to the limit and employ all the gifts and talents God has graced you with. I want you to put forth your best efforts because though your father and I will be extremely proud of you, the person you will please the most is yourself.
What might seem an act of meanness to you is my sincerest efforts in protecting you.
Every time I look at you I think to myself I love you to the fullest extent that my heart is able -- and then a new day dawns and I find myself loving you even more than I did before. God keeps growing my heart bigger and deeper and every day I fall more and more madly in love with you.
But no matter how much I love you, God loves you infinitely more. Learn to lean on Him before me because I am only your mother; he is your Creator, Sustainer, Savior, & Father. Therein lies your source of significance & life with a wellspring of grace, mercy and forgiveness.
Love, Mom
Posted by Melissa at Monday, February 04, 2008 2 comments
Monday, July 23, 2007
The Elephant Mother I Want To Be
Last Saturday, Amanda had a special day planned with a group of friends. They were going to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and spending the afternoon shopping. I was spending the day at a scrapbook store working on my nephews' scrapbooks. I wasn't at all surprised when Amanda called me but as the conversation went on . . .
"Hi Mom. Guess what I did."
"Oh, I don't know, what?" I replied, thinking this ordinarily budget conscience girl spent $50 on something frivolous.
"I got my cartilage pierced."
I froze in time. I knew exactly what she meant but since I didn't want that to be true, I tried to convince myself it meant something else. Dead silence -- the kind that seems to last forever.
"Where?" I was still in denial but all the while, a surge of emotions were welling up in me, like a tiny wave in the ocean that was growing into a foamy white-capped tidal wave.
"My ear Cartilage Mom, where else could it be?"
"Oh. I don't know."
More dead silence. I was confused at my own reaction and couldn't think of anything to say, "So -- did it hurt?"
"No, not really. I mean, not as much as I thought it was going to."
"Oh.", was all I could reply, still at a loss for words.
"So are you mad?", she asked with a slight quiver in her voice that tugged a little at my heart.
"No, I'm not mad." And I really wasn't at all. "How much did it cost?", I asked just to fill the awkward silence. At this point, did it matter? What was I going to do? Tell her that was too expensive to take it back?
"Well, it was $20 but that includes the earring. But I didn't get just one I got a pair so I have an extra now. And I also got the cleaning solution so for all that, it wasn't bad, you know?"
I was sad how she was trying to justify it to me and I knew she was in some way seeking my approval, albeit AFTER the deed was done. I wanted to give it to her, the approval she was seeking but there was an awful nagging feeling inside of me I just could not shake. More silence.
"I told you I was going to do it, remember? Remember that one time I was going to have it done but I didn't have my ID with me?"
"Yes, I remember but well . . . . okay, if that's what you wanted, it's your ear. So I'll talk to you later."
When I hung up I couldn't name this feeling I had. I was in a state of shock, of sorts and it was really bugging me. I sat down and thought it out. It was just an ear piercing. It wasn't a tattoo, a full body pierce or anything very drastic at all. She didn't get one of those awful gauges in her ear. I had to keep asking myself what was wrong and then it hit me. It wasn't the fact that she did it; it was the fact that she could do it without me. She didn't need my parental permission and mostly, she didn't call to tell me about it before hand. Yes, Amanda was exercising her legal adult status and that's what was so bothersome to me. I sat and thought about it and then I remembered the elephant.
I've always admired elephants because in the animal kingdom, they are by far the best mothers. Maybe it's that 22 week gestation period that bonds them to their young, I don't know but whatever it is, I love an elephant's maternal instincts. For instance, an elephant Mom will stand over its sleeping baby and not move until he wakes up. If she does however; need to leave, a babysitter, usually an Aunt (yes, a real sister of the Mom) or older female sibling, will stand in the mom's place until she returns. In one documentary I saw about elephants, a young calf died and the mother was grief stricken. I don't know if animals have emotions or robotically operate out of instinct but it was clear to me in this instance, this mother knew exactly what had happened and was mourning the loss of her young. When the rest of the herd was ready to leave, this pachyderm mom could not bring herself to leave the body of her baby. She kept standing next to him, stroking him with her trunk and letting out sighs and slight cries. She tried to walk away a few times but each time she would turn around and go back and nudge the baby again. At one point, she even tried to pick him up to take him with her. The herd finally convinced her to leave but as she walked away her mourning spirit was evident in the way she walked with her head down and slowly dragged her feet onward. During this documentary, this particular herd was followed for months, maybe even years. Months after that death, the herd was traveling back and when they reached the spot to where the dead baby had been left, they all gathered around as if to have a memorial service. They knew exactly what had happened there and collectively, they seemed to reflect on their loss. The mother let out a few cries and once again when it was time to leave, she lingered on at the spot. The herd gave her space and patiently waited as if to say to her, "We know it still hurts, you take all the time you need."
A female elephant might stay in their family unit for the rest of their lives; it's only the males that have to leave and start a family of their own. There is a strong sense of belonging and family unit to elephants. A mother never forgets who her babies are and no matter how old they are, she has a difficult time resigning them to their own lives.
In contrast, an Eagle is an equally befitting mother but not in the same manner of an elephant. The Eagle cares and nurses her young but when it's time to go, it's just time to go! When the eaglet is too big for the nest, the mother knows it's time to let that baby go. What seems to me a harsh dose of reality, the mother pushes her baby out of the nest, allowing it to tumble through the air -- plunging dangerously close to the ground. Just before the baby is to meet its demise, the mother swoops in with her majestic wings and catches her falling baby on her back. She takes it back up to the nest and pushes it out again, doing this time and time again until the eaglet finally catches on and begins to flap his own wings. In the weeks to follow the young eagle gets other life lessons like how to hunt for food but soon the bird is ready to be independent and without any sorrowful good-byes, the young eagle leaves the nest one final time and the mother and baby know each other no more.
I really wish I could be the elephant mother and have my children in my herd forever but I know I need to learn some lessons from the Eagle as well. In the bible God often uses the animal kingdom to illustrate a relationship; throughout the bible we are compared to sheep. So it's not unusual to gain human understanding from the animal world.
I have no objection to an ear piercing. I do not think it's immoral or in bad taste however; I do have to look at that earring in Amanda's ear and it shouts out to me, "I'M ALL GROWN UP NOW. YOU CAN'T STOP ME!" It mocks me and laughs at me sometimes and that is what I find so bothersome.
It's so cruel that we have to be elephant mothers for 18 years and then suddenly trade our trunks in for the wings of an eagle. But I am learning.
And Amanda is soaring.
Posted by Melissa at Monday, July 23, 2007 1 comments
Labels: Amanda
Friday, May 04, 2007
Blast From The Past
This is an old story I wrote -- about 4 years ago. . . . . .
Terrible Twos vs. Tormenting Teens
I don't see what the big deal is about the Terrible Twos. Though it's only a distant memory in my past, I seemed to have emerged unscathed from the trio-ed event in my life. It is true that by age two a child gets a sense of independence with the belief that the entire universe revolves around their schedule to eat, sleep and play. Their favorite words, which they utter all day long, are emphatically stated, "No!" and "Mine!”. They begin to realize there's a whole world out there and it's theirs to discover but of course, the discovery must be met on their own terms. Mothers are in a constant battle of Terrible Twos vs. Parental Guidance. It's an exhausting adventure, at best. You get through the tantrums and trying days but there is something marvelous that gives you hope and strength to do it all the next day. When that terrible toddler is hungry, sick, scared or tired guess what she does? She calls for the comforting arms of her mommy. Just about the time you're ready to strap your toddler into a playpen and design a mesh lid to fit over the top of it, that wadding little bundle of terror climbs onto your lap and puts her chubby little arms around your neck. Who couldn't love that? Taking a quantum leap into the future, take that same sense of independence and self-centered nature, mix it in with raging hormones and peer pressure, pack it into a full grown body that has a license to drive and my friend, welcome to the world of parenting a teen. Terrible Twos? Please! That only lasts one year. With teenagers we're talking seven years. You can forget any light of hope because when that teen is hungry, sick, scared or tired, they're just ticked off because it's your fault. That's right! You and only you make their world the miserable existence it is. After all, you are the most stupid unreasonable creature on the face of the earth. Everything must be your fault! One day you are Mommy of the Year for simply bringing in a couple dozen cupcakes to a Halloween class party and the next day, you have no sense of style, your music is old fashioned and boring, everything you say or do is stupid, your expectations are unfair and unreasonable and you don't know hip language which makes you nothing more than an embarrassment in public. In the midst of raising three teens, I'm quickly learning the dos and don'ts of public behavior. Essentially, when in public, behave like you don't know me. That's what your teens want. Yes, the Terrible Twos are just the dress rehearsal for the Tormenting Teens.
Having the joy of two teenaged daughters, we have a tri-cycle of hormones bouncing off the walls in our home. It's like playing hormone bumper pool in our house. As if dealing with my own PMS isn't bad enough, now I have to be on the receiving end of my daughters' PMS swings. You would think being a woman I'd be a little sympathetic to my own child's estrogen surges but this is survival of the fittest instincts. The dominate female of the pride prevails! Cruel and heartless as it may sound, estrogen somehow overtakes even motherly instincts. Forget that smoke detector we have installed on each level of the house, I need an estrogen detector at my house!
Much like my alarm clock, my Estrogen Detector (ED) will go off each morning giving me the estrogen levels of the day. When pollen hits a certain level there are warnings for those afflicted with allergies to stay indoors. My ED will warn me when it's unsafe to remain in the home. When the estrogen levels are light, my ED will sound a bell detecting some slight levels of estrogen in the house. With this, I'll causally get up and go through my morning routine as usual. As levels increase, the ED will be more alarming like the Lost in Space robot giving repetitious signals, "Warning, Warning...estrogen is peaking!” At this yellow light alarm, I'll proceed with caution making sure I keep my distance, shut my mouth, don't make eye contact and move out swiftly. The last and final warning will be the tornado, fire alarm, burglar alarm, Cuban missile crisis and weapons of mass destruction all-in-one alarm. The ED will say, "WARNING! WARNING! HIGH LEVELS OF ESTROGEN DETECTED IN THE HOME. RUN FOR COVER! GET OUT! EVERY WOMAN FOR HERSELF! TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! DO NOT STOP FOR THE FAMILY PHOTO ALBUMS! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200! SAVE YOURSELF!" With this high leveled warning, I'd jump out of bed, grab my clothes and emergency toiletry bag and make a mad dash out of the house before any contact is made with the estrogen spewing teens. For extra protection, I'll be armed with my Wonder Woman estrogen deflector wrist bands. These golden wonders work like Wonder Woman's bullet bands. As I make my mad dash out of the house, I can raise my arms to block any estrogen attacks such as, "This is so unfair, you are so mean, I need $50, where are you going? (as if my going to work in the morning is a sudden shock to the girls), I have nothing to wear, my hair is so dumb....Mom! I need to go shopping, why can't I have my own car? Why are you looking at me? Stop looking at me................"
After spending eight long hours at work, I will eventually have to come home. Knowing the dangerous estrogen will probably still be present, I've come up with a solution for reentry. NASA spent 4 billion dollars on some rocket scientist invention for protecting the Apollo passengers from the heat of reentering the atmosphere. I've come up with my own $2.48 protective solution. As if to wave the proverbial white flag, I ease the door to a slight opening and wave a 99 cent bottle of nail polish and $1.49 lip gloss. At this Monica, my youngest teen, grabs the loot and scurries to her den like a mouse that has won the cheese without being caught in the trap. In this instance, the trap is conversation with Mom. With that potential Claymore mine disarmed, I then wave a Miami application through the tiny opening in the door. My oldest teen, Amanda, snatches her loot and now both teens are deep into their teenaged fortresses. The bait has worked. I just bought myself two hours of estrogen free peace and quiet.
After the two hours of solitude, Amanda emerges from her den. I raise my arms to engage my Wonder Woman deflectors only to realize she's just passing through on her way to the computer. She gets online to research the average ACT/SAT scores of high school students accepted into Miami. She then gets offline to call her high school counselor (she has her on speed dial) to inform her that she needs to get into French IV. "But Amanda," her counselor explains, "you are only a junior and we can't get your senior schedule together yet." I know," Amanda states as she tries to remain clam, "but I thought I didn't want to take French for four years but now I see most Miami students have four years of a foreign language and I thought if I plan ahead, I won't miss the opportunity to get into French IV. I need to be in French IV. I have to be in French IV. PLEASE GET ME A RESERVED SEAT IN FRENCH IV!" Poor woman, I think to myself about the counselor, she has no idea the estrogen levels have peaked for the month! The counselor then mumbles something to Amanda about a restraining order and unlisted phone number. Confused by her own PMS status, Amanda retreats to Miami website for some more in depth research. Ah, I bought another hour of solitude. Meanwhile, back in the Gloss & Shimmers of Sweetness Den, Monica is trying to determine if her new shade of nail polish and lip gloss looks better applied in stripes, polka dots or jut plain. She's arranged every piece of clothing she owns to match the new shades but it was an easy task to accomplish as all she had to do was sit on the floor, the place where most of her clothing gathers and lives. As I tip toe around my own home, I hear my ED dwindle down to a mere hum noting it's once again safe to resume a "normal" life. At this, my girls emerge from their dens. Monica proudly displays her painted nails saying, "Thanks for the nail polish, Mom. I like the sparkles." Amanda comes to me with a printed out form from the Miami website saying, "Mom, what do you think about this?" I know it's just the quiet before the next storm but I savor the moment just like I did when that terrible two toddler climbed onto my lap with her chubby little arms around my neck saying, "I wuv you Mommy!"
As I walk out of the room I hear the girls say, "Hey Mom, what's up with those gold bracelets? You aren't going to wear those in public, are you?"
Posted by Melissa at Friday, May 04, 2007 0 comments
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
5 Minus 1 Still Equals 5
Her lack of presence in our home is not indicative to her lack of presence in our hearts. If anything-- true the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", our hearts are full of longing for her presence in our daily lives once again.
She's only an hour away and yet in some ways, it seems like she's on another continent. The dynamics of our family changed and though it was as rapid as a roaring swollen river, the changes went mostly unnoticed to us. We knew she wasn't there, we missed her and yet -- our lives went on in very much the same fashion. For me it was just going through those daily routines as I normally would do with the only difference being, the heavy painful burden in my heart. Yes, I missed her dearly and more than wanting her home again, I just wanted her to be 3 again or 5 or 10 or anything but --a freshman in college.
August 18, 2006, Amanda moved into Collins Hall, Miami University, Oxford, Ohio.
The crying in the shower, on my way to work, at my desk, in line at the store and virtually any and everywhere stopped after the first week. I was finally able to control my emotions to the point I didn't burst into tears at the slightest thought of her. Even so, I wondered how long my heart would physically ache to see her again. I tried to remind myself of all the good things taking place like her education both formally in the classroom and informally being on her own. I tried to focus on her good health, accomplishments and future but my heart wouldn't let go so easily. The tighter I tried to hold on, the more slippery my grip became. When she was just a newborn, this first-time Mom was terrified to bathe her as the water and soap made her so slippery, I was afraid I'd loose my hold on her. Such a metaphor now to the slippery hold I have on her today, 18 years later. As she steps into adulthood, this mother's heart has to grow fuller and stronger.
Be brave. Trust God.
She's home now for Christmas break and the mellow drama of those early weeks seems to have passed. Over the past 4 months, we saw her for holiday breaks and family celebrations; including the whole family taking her out to dinner for her 18th birthday. Our family shifted some with Monica and Zach, in the absence of their older sister, becoming a bit closer. I even noticed the manner in which Jerry speaks to Amanda and how in some ways, situations related to her, the air of authority shifted from Dad to daughter. It wasn't just Mom and Dad learning to let go, it was also Amanda taking charge, stepping up and gaining control. In just 4 months, so much has changed not only in her but in all 5 of us as well.
Now that she's home for 3 weeks, I'm sad again but not like things were when she first left. I'm sad for her more so than myself. She seems to be in this limbo state in between college and home. She belongs to both places and yet, neither. As the sometimes unfortunate case of the oldest child, the parents are learning as they go. So with this new stage, Jerry and I often wonder which rules still apply to this 18 year old college girl. Dad says all of them -- Mom is less certain. We'll work it out, all of us learning as we go; Monica and Zach taking note to all things Amanda does and privileges that are afforded her. They'll try and keep the score even when they're at that stage in life.
January 7, 2007 we'll pack her up again and much like August 18th, take her to school. Having brought a lot of her belongings home for break, it will in many ways seem like move-in day once again. This day however; we'll leave a much more confident young lady behind and yes, a more emotionally stable Mom will sit in the passenger seat of the van as it pulls away from Collins Hall knowing that how ever long her absence will be, Amanda leaves our presence, never our hearts.
Growing pains seem to belong more to this Mom than her seeking teenagers. More and more my grandmother's words ring true, "When they're little they step on your toes but when they're older, they'll step on your heart."
Amanda's indelible footprints are on my heart leaving not a path of destruction and ruin but a path of growth, love, pride and thankfulness and a trodden way for her siblings to follow.
Posted by Melissa at Wednesday, December 27, 2006 0 comments
Labels: Amanda