5 Minus 1 Still Equals 5

Her lack of presence in our home is not indicative to her lack of presence in our hearts. If anything-- true the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", our hearts are full of longing for her presence in our daily lives once again.

She's only an hour away and yet in some ways, it seems like she's on another continent. The dynamics of our family changed and though it was as rapid as a roaring swollen river, the changes went mostly unnoticed to us. We knew she wasn't there, we missed her and yet -- our lives went on in very much the same fashion. For me it was just going through those daily routines as I normally would do with the only difference being, the heavy painful burden in my heart. Yes, I missed her dearly and more than wanting her home again, I just wanted her to be 3 again or 5 or 10 or anything but --a freshman in college.

August 18, 2006, Amanda moved into Collins Hall, Miami University, Oxford, Ohio.

The crying in the shower, on my way to work, at my desk, in line at the store and virtually any and everywhere stopped after the first week. I was finally able to control my emotions to the point I didn't burst into tears at the slightest thought of her. Even so, I wondered how long my heart would physically ache to see her again. I tried to remind myself of all the good things taking place like her education both formally in the classroom and informally being on her own. I tried to focus on her good health, accomplishments and future but my heart wouldn't let go so easily. The tighter I tried to hold on, the more slippery my grip became. When she was just a newborn, this first-time Mom was terrified to bathe her as the water and soap made her so slippery, I was afraid I'd loose my hold on her. Such a metaphor now to the slippery hold I have on her today, 18 years later. As she steps into adulthood, this mother's heart has to grow fuller and stronger.

Be brave. Trust God.

She's home now for Christmas break and the mellow drama of those early weeks seems to have passed. Over the past 4 months, we saw her for holiday breaks and family celebrations; including the whole family taking her out to dinner for her 18th birthday. Our family shifted some with Monica and Zach, in the absence of their older sister, becoming a bit closer. I even noticed the manner in which Jerry speaks to Amanda and how in some ways, situations related to her, the air of authority shifted from Dad to daughter. It wasn't just Mom and Dad learning to let go, it was also Amanda taking charge, stepping up and gaining control. In just 4 months, so much has changed not only in her but in all 5 of us as well.

Now that she's home for 3 weeks, I'm sad again but not like things were when she first left. I'm sad for her more so than myself. She seems to be in this limbo state in between college and home. She belongs to both places and yet, neither. As the sometimes unfortunate case of the oldest child, the parents are learning as they go. So with this new stage, Jerry and I often wonder which rules still apply to this 18 year old college girl. Dad says all of them -- Mom is less certain. We'll work it out, all of us learning as we go; Monica and Zach taking note to all things Amanda does and privileges that are afforded her. They'll try and keep the score even when they're at that stage in life.

January 7, 2007 we'll pack her up again and much like August 18th, take her to school. Having brought a lot of her belongings home for break, it will in many ways seem like move-in day once again. This day however; we'll leave a much more confident young lady behind and yes, a more emotionally stable Mom will sit in the passenger seat of the van as it pulls away from Collins Hall knowing that how ever long her absence will be, Amanda leaves our presence, never our hearts.

Growing pains seem to belong more to this Mom than her seeking teenagers. More and more my grandmother's words ring true, "When they're little they step on your toes but when they're older, they'll step on your heart."

Amanda's indelible footprints are on my heart leaving not a path of destruction and ruin but a path of growth, love, pride and thankfulness and a trodden way for her siblings to follow.

Christmas 2006

What a delightful day it was! I spent the evening of the 24th pre-cooking and preparing as much of our Christmas feast as possible. You'd be amazed how much you can get done in advance and how a simple thing like chopping onions ahead of time is a great time saver. On the 25th, I mostly had to put things into the oven and allow for baking time. That allowed me to enjoy the day with my family more.

Being teenagers having surpassed the Santa stage, my kids were in no big hurry to open their gifts. In fact, Amanda had threatened Zach with bodily harm if he dare try to wake her before 9am. Jerry and I were the only two up early and it was quite enjoyable. Jerry cooked our Christmas ham on the grill so he was in and out working on that. The house was filled with delightful scents of Monkey Bread in the oven and a roasting turkey. Though it wasn't terribly cold outside, having unseasonably warm weather all December, the warmth from our kitchen seemed to not only fill the house but our hearts and souls as well. I delighted in knowing my kids were all snug in their beds and though I was certain visions of sugar plums didn't dance in their heads, I knew the Christmas spirit would soon stir their sleepy heads.

Zach was the first to wake up. The wrapped presents under the tree beckoned him but he knew we couldn't start opening presents until everyone was up and he knew all too well not to wake the girls from their Christmas slumber. He tried to be patient. Monica was the second to wake up and I loved the sight of her groggy sleepy self walking into the kitchen and exclaiming, "Is that Monkey Bread?!!" Unfortunately, she wasn't feeling well suffering from a sore throat so I gave her a heap of pills; vitamin C, Zinc and Tylenol to help her feel better. We had to wait yet another 1/2 hour or so before the oldest child, Amanda, stumbled downstairs, only after me yelling up to her room, "Are you going to sleep Christmas away?"

The children are always torn between opening gifts first or going through their stockings. This year all three opted for the stockings first and in the wink of an eye, the stockings were an empty limp sock shape with all it's loot spilled onto the floor. Now for the big stuff!

It was all a blur to me -- the gift opening. I wanted to watch each child's expression as they opened each gift but with three going on at the same time, as my head went back and forth to each kid watching for their excited expressions, I felt like I was watching a rapid tennis match more than gift opening. Paper was being torn the thrown into the air, boxes were anxiously flipped open, there were Ahs and Ohs and excitement filled the air.

My heart was so full it felt like it would burst. It wasn't the materialistic gain that was such joy but watching my children enjoy themselves. What kept coming to mind was Luke 11:13 "If you then know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" God understands the heart of a parent as he is one! The joys we know as we give to our children are but such a minor insignificant comparison to what our heavenly Father wants to give to us. Yes, my heart was full.

Later, as we sat down to our Christmas feast, my eyes once again took in all the holiday treasures to behold. When I made out my menu it didn't seem like a lot of food but here before me our table was so full we had to put in the leaf to the table and add a second small table for some dishes. After every one had filled their plate, each serving dish barely looked like a corner had been taken. I sat amazed at the amount of food wondering how 5 people couldn't even put a dent into each dish! So much food! At this moment my heart rose to a new level of thankfulness. We had so much bounty, I was almost ashamed. Good gifts; food, shelter and family surrounded me. I couldn't thank God enough for all that was before me; a warm home, my husband, my children, food, laughter and more. Somehow this small little celebration, just the five of us, turned into one of the biggest Christmases I have ever had. There wasn't much to busy myself with and so my attentions were on that of my family. I savored each moment as much as I savored each bite of my Christmas dinner morsels.

To end the evening, we went to the movies and appropriate for the theme of my heart this day, we saw "The Pursuit of Happyness". This very touching and inspiring story line was about a man and his young son that became homeless and the journey this courageous and determined Father took to better their lives. Just this day I was so thankful for my home and my food and my family.

Christmas 2006 has not yet ended for us as this weekend we will travel to Michigan to celebrate with the Dodge family. It won't be so quiet or quaint as yesterday but it will still be filled with a lot of love and excitement and joy.

I'm blessed beyond measure.

Clayton Ink

In 1997 we built a home in Clayton, Ohio. My husband was on active duty with the Army stationed at the University of Dayton and we lived on base housing at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. Nearing his military retirement, we decided to build a home and stay in the area.

What attracted us to the Clayton area was the quaint country living. I would have to give up the convenience of near-by shopping but I supposed the trade off was worth it. We loved the area, schools, neighborhood -- just everything. We hoped it would remain much the same but to our disappointment, it has not.

We still love where we live, our community, but now we have a Wal-mart & YMCA within a stones throw of us. Our 4-way stop-sign intersection is now a 4 lane highway with a traffic light! Right across the street from us they are building a new Clayton community center with shopping, businesses, housing and parks. We are smack dab right in the center of downtown now! So there's so much building constantly going on around us. Every week it's almost like driving through a new town. Monica, my middle child, seemed very disinterested in all of this progress. She's never commented on anything new nor seemed impressed with the new businesses and adventures all this growth has brought to our area . . . . until now.

The other day Monica and I were driving down Main Street and she noticed a new business moving into an existing building. I had not noticed it as I've just become immune to noticing every small change.

"Do you think they do body piercings too?", Monica asked me.

Huh, what? I'm so confused! Body piercings? What is she talking about? So, I ask her.

"The new tattoo place. Looks kind of small, don't you think?"

Huh, what? I'm so confused! Tattoo place? What is she talking about? So, I ask her.

"Didn't you see it? We just passed it. It's a new tattoo place."

I didn't engage too deeply into the conversation and gave a short answer and quickly changed the subject. But then a few days later we passed the same place.

"I wonder what they do inside there I mean, it looks rather small, don't you think?"

Huh, what? I'm so confused! What is she talking about? So, I ask her.

"The tattoo place, Mom. It looks too small to really do anything in there. Do you think you can get piercings done there too? I mean, don't most tattoo places do piercings too? Would it be safe? I imagine if they can do a tattoo they can pierce too. I don't know. I think if I wanted to get something pierced I'd go to a doctor's office. . . "

I'm hearing her but I'm still confused, "Monica, are you anticipating a new piercing or tattoo? What is this sudden interest in this place?"

"No, I don't want anything pierced or tattooed but I'm just wondering what they do there -- it looks so small and I wonder like, do they get a license or how do you know they are safe or good?"

So my thoughts wonder off to all the growth in our community over the past 5 years. We watched them build a brand new YMCA practically across the street from us. Not only did they put in a Wal-mart, it was a huge controversy in our neighborhood and petitions were EVERYWHERE against the retail conglomerate moving in. It was a very big deal for several years but, never no peep out of Monica. We have seen restaurants and stores and strip malls galore and still, no wonder or interest out of Monica. But now this -- a tattoo parlor has completely captured her attention. The curiosity is killing her!

Now I have no interest at all in when this place opens up for business but I think I need to look into it. On their opening day I will bring them a bouquet of flowers wishing them great success. I'll also bring them a nice glossy 8x10 picture of Monica and say, "If this girl comes in for any services what-so-ever, please call me as I'm certain her 18 year old ID will be fake."

Then again, it's only 13 short months until she really is 18 so in addition to a nice 8x10 glossy print of Monica, I might take in a nice 8x10 glossy print of Jerry (in a muscle T) and say, "This man would be very unhappy if his daughter (the former 8x10 glossy print) got ANYTHING pierced or tattooed!" Now that should put an end to that.

Oh by the way cousins, Courtney and Brittany, thanks for opening THIS door. I can hear Monica now, "But Courtney and Brittany did it."

"Yes", I will have to explain, "they got tiny little initials on their ankle for something meaningful -- not 4 inch letters across the small of their back saying, 'HOLLA-BACK if you think I'm cute!'. There is a big difference!"