5 Minus 1 Still Equals 5

Her lack of presence in our home is not indicative to her lack of presence in our hearts. If anything-- true the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", our hearts are full of longing for her presence in our daily lives once again.

She's only an hour away and yet in some ways, it seems like she's on another continent. The dynamics of our family changed and though it was as rapid as a roaring swollen river, the changes went mostly unnoticed to us. We knew she wasn't there, we missed her and yet -- our lives went on in very much the same fashion. For me it was just going through those daily routines as I normally would do with the only difference being, the heavy painful burden in my heart. Yes, I missed her dearly and more than wanting her home again, I just wanted her to be 3 again or 5 or 10 or anything but --a freshman in college.

August 18, 2006, Amanda moved into Collins Hall, Miami University, Oxford, Ohio.

The crying in the shower, on my way to work, at my desk, in line at the store and virtually any and everywhere stopped after the first week. I was finally able to control my emotions to the point I didn't burst into tears at the slightest thought of her. Even so, I wondered how long my heart would physically ache to see her again. I tried to remind myself of all the good things taking place like her education both formally in the classroom and informally being on her own. I tried to focus on her good health, accomplishments and future but my heart wouldn't let go so easily. The tighter I tried to hold on, the more slippery my grip became. When she was just a newborn, this first-time Mom was terrified to bathe her as the water and soap made her so slippery, I was afraid I'd loose my hold on her. Such a metaphor now to the slippery hold I have on her today, 18 years later. As she steps into adulthood, this mother's heart has to grow fuller and stronger.

Be brave. Trust God.

She's home now for Christmas break and the mellow drama of those early weeks seems to have passed. Over the past 4 months, we saw her for holiday breaks and family celebrations; including the whole family taking her out to dinner for her 18th birthday. Our family shifted some with Monica and Zach, in the absence of their older sister, becoming a bit closer. I even noticed the manner in which Jerry speaks to Amanda and how in some ways, situations related to her, the air of authority shifted from Dad to daughter. It wasn't just Mom and Dad learning to let go, it was also Amanda taking charge, stepping up and gaining control. In just 4 months, so much has changed not only in her but in all 5 of us as well.

Now that she's home for 3 weeks, I'm sad again but not like things were when she first left. I'm sad for her more so than myself. She seems to be in this limbo state in between college and home. She belongs to both places and yet, neither. As the sometimes unfortunate case of the oldest child, the parents are learning as they go. So with this new stage, Jerry and I often wonder which rules still apply to this 18 year old college girl. Dad says all of them -- Mom is less certain. We'll work it out, all of us learning as we go; Monica and Zach taking note to all things Amanda does and privileges that are afforded her. They'll try and keep the score even when they're at that stage in life.

January 7, 2007 we'll pack her up again and much like August 18th, take her to school. Having brought a lot of her belongings home for break, it will in many ways seem like move-in day once again. This day however; we'll leave a much more confident young lady behind and yes, a more emotionally stable Mom will sit in the passenger seat of the van as it pulls away from Collins Hall knowing that how ever long her absence will be, Amanda leaves our presence, never our hearts.

Growing pains seem to belong more to this Mom than her seeking teenagers. More and more my grandmother's words ring true, "When they're little they step on your toes but when they're older, they'll step on your heart."

Amanda's indelible footprints are on my heart leaving not a path of destruction and ruin but a path of growth, love, pride and thankfulness and a trodden way for her siblings to follow.

Christmas 2006

What a delightful day it was! I spent the evening of the 24th pre-cooking and preparing as much of our Christmas feast as possible. You'd be amazed how much you can get done in advance and how a simple thing like chopping onions ahead of time is a great time saver. On the 25th, I mostly had to put things into the oven and allow for baking time. That allowed me to enjoy the day with my family more.

Being teenagers having surpassed the Santa stage, my kids were in no big hurry to open their gifts. In fact, Amanda had threatened Zach with bodily harm if he dare try to wake her before 9am. Jerry and I were the only two up early and it was quite enjoyable. Jerry cooked our Christmas ham on the grill so he was in and out working on that. The house was filled with delightful scents of Monkey Bread in the oven and a roasting turkey. Though it wasn't terribly cold outside, having unseasonably warm weather all December, the warmth from our kitchen seemed to not only fill the house but our hearts and souls as well. I delighted in knowing my kids were all snug in their beds and though I was certain visions of sugar plums didn't dance in their heads, I knew the Christmas spirit would soon stir their sleepy heads.

Zach was the first to wake up. The wrapped presents under the tree beckoned him but he knew we couldn't start opening presents until everyone was up and he knew all too well not to wake the girls from their Christmas slumber. He tried to be patient. Monica was the second to wake up and I loved the sight of her groggy sleepy self walking into the kitchen and exclaiming, "Is that Monkey Bread?!!" Unfortunately, she wasn't feeling well suffering from a sore throat so I gave her a heap of pills; vitamin C, Zinc and Tylenol to help her feel better. We had to wait yet another 1/2 hour or so before the oldest child, Amanda, stumbled downstairs, only after me yelling up to her room, "Are you going to sleep Christmas away?"

The children are always torn between opening gifts first or going through their stockings. This year all three opted for the stockings first and in the wink of an eye, the stockings were an empty limp sock shape with all it's loot spilled onto the floor. Now for the big stuff!

It was all a blur to me -- the gift opening. I wanted to watch each child's expression as they opened each gift but with three going on at the same time, as my head went back and forth to each kid watching for their excited expressions, I felt like I was watching a rapid tennis match more than gift opening. Paper was being torn the thrown into the air, boxes were anxiously flipped open, there were Ahs and Ohs and excitement filled the air.

My heart was so full it felt like it would burst. It wasn't the materialistic gain that was such joy but watching my children enjoy themselves. What kept coming to mind was Luke 11:13 "If you then know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" God understands the heart of a parent as he is one! The joys we know as we give to our children are but such a minor insignificant comparison to what our heavenly Father wants to give to us. Yes, my heart was full.

Later, as we sat down to our Christmas feast, my eyes once again took in all the holiday treasures to behold. When I made out my menu it didn't seem like a lot of food but here before me our table was so full we had to put in the leaf to the table and add a second small table for some dishes. After every one had filled their plate, each serving dish barely looked like a corner had been taken. I sat amazed at the amount of food wondering how 5 people couldn't even put a dent into each dish! So much food! At this moment my heart rose to a new level of thankfulness. We had so much bounty, I was almost ashamed. Good gifts; food, shelter and family surrounded me. I couldn't thank God enough for all that was before me; a warm home, my husband, my children, food, laughter and more. Somehow this small little celebration, just the five of us, turned into one of the biggest Christmases I have ever had. There wasn't much to busy myself with and so my attentions were on that of my family. I savored each moment as much as I savored each bite of my Christmas dinner morsels.

To end the evening, we went to the movies and appropriate for the theme of my heart this day, we saw "The Pursuit of Happyness". This very touching and inspiring story line was about a man and his young son that became homeless and the journey this courageous and determined Father took to better their lives. Just this day I was so thankful for my home and my food and my family.

Christmas 2006 has not yet ended for us as this weekend we will travel to Michigan to celebrate with the Dodge family. It won't be so quiet or quaint as yesterday but it will still be filled with a lot of love and excitement and joy.

I'm blessed beyond measure.

Clayton Ink

In 1997 we built a home in Clayton, Ohio. My husband was on active duty with the Army stationed at the University of Dayton and we lived on base housing at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. Nearing his military retirement, we decided to build a home and stay in the area.

What attracted us to the Clayton area was the quaint country living. I would have to give up the convenience of near-by shopping but I supposed the trade off was worth it. We loved the area, schools, neighborhood -- just everything. We hoped it would remain much the same but to our disappointment, it has not.

We still love where we live, our community, but now we have a Wal-mart & YMCA within a stones throw of us. Our 4-way stop-sign intersection is now a 4 lane highway with a traffic light! Right across the street from us they are building a new Clayton community center with shopping, businesses, housing and parks. We are smack dab right in the center of downtown now! So there's so much building constantly going on around us. Every week it's almost like driving through a new town. Monica, my middle child, seemed very disinterested in all of this progress. She's never commented on anything new nor seemed impressed with the new businesses and adventures all this growth has brought to our area . . . . until now.

The other day Monica and I were driving down Main Street and she noticed a new business moving into an existing building. I had not noticed it as I've just become immune to noticing every small change.

"Do you think they do body piercings too?", Monica asked me.

Huh, what? I'm so confused! Body piercings? What is she talking about? So, I ask her.

"The new tattoo place. Looks kind of small, don't you think?"

Huh, what? I'm so confused! Tattoo place? What is she talking about? So, I ask her.

"Didn't you see it? We just passed it. It's a new tattoo place."

I didn't engage too deeply into the conversation and gave a short answer and quickly changed the subject. But then a few days later we passed the same place.

"I wonder what they do inside there I mean, it looks rather small, don't you think?"

Huh, what? I'm so confused! What is she talking about? So, I ask her.

"The tattoo place, Mom. It looks too small to really do anything in there. Do you think you can get piercings done there too? I mean, don't most tattoo places do piercings too? Would it be safe? I imagine if they can do a tattoo they can pierce too. I don't know. I think if I wanted to get something pierced I'd go to a doctor's office. . . "

I'm hearing her but I'm still confused, "Monica, are you anticipating a new piercing or tattoo? What is this sudden interest in this place?"

"No, I don't want anything pierced or tattooed but I'm just wondering what they do there -- it looks so small and I wonder like, do they get a license or how do you know they are safe or good?"

So my thoughts wonder off to all the growth in our community over the past 5 years. We watched them build a brand new YMCA practically across the street from us. Not only did they put in a Wal-mart, it was a huge controversy in our neighborhood and petitions were EVERYWHERE against the retail conglomerate moving in. It was a very big deal for several years but, never no peep out of Monica. We have seen restaurants and stores and strip malls galore and still, no wonder or interest out of Monica. But now this -- a tattoo parlor has completely captured her attention. The curiosity is killing her!

Now I have no interest at all in when this place opens up for business but I think I need to look into it. On their opening day I will bring them a bouquet of flowers wishing them great success. I'll also bring them a nice glossy 8x10 picture of Monica and say, "If this girl comes in for any services what-so-ever, please call me as I'm certain her 18 year old ID will be fake."

Then again, it's only 13 short months until she really is 18 so in addition to a nice 8x10 glossy print of Monica, I might take in a nice 8x10 glossy print of Jerry (in a muscle T) and say, "This man would be very unhappy if his daughter (the former 8x10 glossy print) got ANYTHING pierced or tattooed!" Now that should put an end to that.

Oh by the way cousins, Courtney and Brittany, thanks for opening THIS door. I can hear Monica now, "But Courtney and Brittany did it."

"Yes", I will have to explain, "they got tiny little initials on their ankle for something meaningful -- not 4 inch letters across the small of their back saying, 'HOLLA-BACK if you think I'm cute!'. There is a big difference!"

Giving Thanks In My Garden

I'm not a gardener, I don't like yard work and in fact, I barely like being outside. I enjoy those modern day conveniences such as air conditioning, heat and basic shelter. I enjoy weather such as a beautiful clean snow fall, bright sunshine, moon-lit nights and even stormy days but I mostly enjoy seeing them from the comforts of my home while peering out of the window. So this is why I do not garden. I just don't want to spend that much time in the great outdoors.

Last year, in preparation for Amanda's graduation party, I was forced to work in our yard. The first time event was so significant, I even took pictures. I solicited the entire family as we did a major over haul on our yard. It was much needed and the party was just the motivation we needed to get it done.

Being unfamiliar territory to me, you can imagine my initial feelings of being overwhelmed. Where do I begin? There were some old plants that probably out lived their best years. There were some old plants that would still be very useful. There were a lot of weeds. There were some trees and shrubs that needed to be moved. I was confused. Some things were just obvious --those dead things that had to go or the thorny thistles that needed to be pulled. Some things were less obvious. Sometimes weeds disguise themselves in colors of splendor and with lack of gardening knowledge, I was sometimes confused between the flowers and the weeds. Other things were "ify". They could probably work better if I moved them around or maybe they just needed to go all together. The one thing I knew for certain I needed to do was to just take the plunge and get to work.

Inevitably, I did make some errors. I pulled plants I thought were weeds, I unintentionally trampled on good flowers, I moved things that ended up looking better where the used to be -- but over all, things were much better. It was two days of solid back-breaking work but when it was done, it was so rewarding to take a step back and see the results of our efforts. In the weeks leading to the big event, I daily walked through my yard pulling weeds, watering, fixing and admiring. The work was continuous but so was the glory of it all.

The party came and went. No sooner than saying good-bye to the last guest did I forget all about my yard. I went back to my old way of life -- staying locked in doors, not tending to the weeds in the garden, not watering the yard and basically -- just not caring.

About 2 weeks after the party Jerry left for Georgia to spend the summer working on refurbishing a home for his parents. During one of our daily phone conversations he asked, "How's the yard look?" Wow! I had no clue. I mean yes, it was right outside my door and yes, I drove by it every day (in my air conditioned van on the way to the garage and then into my air conditioned house) but it just faded into the normalcy of my passing by. I never really took it in. I then stepped out the front door to take a look and I could not believe my eyes! Could this really be that beautiful yard I worked so hard to fix up?

The grass was yellowish brown and just screaming out for water --so much so it was almost audible. The garden was over taken by weeds -- more weeds than we first started out with! Not only was there an abundance of weeds, they were huge; some of them were 2 feet tall! The once vibrant and pretty flowers wilted away. I really could not believe my eyes. I mean, I expected there would be some weeds but this was so much bigger and much worse than I imagined it would be. Well, to my husband's question I replied, "What yard?"

At the end of the summer my husband and I resolved to start fresh again in the spring and this time keep up with the work all summer long. I thought about that for a while and remembering my disdain for the outdoors I said to him, "Or we can wait two more years and just fix it all up again for Monica's graduation party."

The lessons I learned here go beyond the garden. I'm in a Bible Study with some of my co-workers. We're studying the book of Daniel and the theme of the study is INTEGRITY. During the course of this study I have often thought about my garden and how it reflects my life.

There are things I need to get rid of in my life -- the weeds, so to speak which are sin and stumbling blocks. It's not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes weeds look pretty and appealing -- as does sin in our lives. Sometimes things don't seem that bad-- like white lies for example but when left there to take root, it's not long before that white lie is 2 feet tall! When I look at my life as being a garden, I can feel over whelmed just like I did when I first began my yard work. What stays? What goes? What needs to change or be moved? What if I make a mistake?

The thing is, I will make mistakes but sometimes we have to make mistakes in order to grow. I know the process of gardening my life will be painful. After the two days of real gardening, I was sore for days. There are things in my life I will need to get rid of and though they might not have been bad things, there just wasn't room in the garden for them. It is only after we take out the weeds and unnecessary things that we can then take a step back and see the beauty and enjoy the glory.

So this is what God is leading me to embark on -- weeding out my life and moving things around where they can get more SONshine and more growth. I don't suspect it will only be a two day process as in the case of my yard but I do know one thing, it has to be a continual process. Daily I need to walk through the garden and nip those weeds that are beginning to grow. I need to water my life-garden with the nourishing Word of God. I need to prune and cut and move those things that are healthy in order for them to continue to grow.

So on this Thanksgiving Eve I resolve to garden my life and in that process, see the things I am most thankful for and tend to them daily:

A heavenly Father that cares for me enough to grow my garden.

Firmly planted family roots from all of my parents, grandparents, sisters, cousin and Aunt.

The new growth in my garden when I added a husband, brothers, nieces, nephews, in-laws and friends.

Little tiny shrubs that once were my babies that are now growing into full grown trees with blossoms and fruit. I know it won't be long before they are transplanted into their own garden so for now, I appreciate their splendor and the beauty they add to my own garden.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Boys Are Pretty Too

Things always happen for my girls first because well, they are older. It's just a natural process. So by the time the 3rd one comes along, life's special moments are still as special but they don't catch you by surprise. Or do they?

Having 3 sisters and a host of girl cousins, boys just weren't familiar territory to me. In fact, when my son, Zachary, was born he was the first boy in my family since my Dad! But it wasn't long before I learned about balls and trucks and sports and mud and all those things boys hold near and dear to their hearts. And that's how I think of my boy -- he's a rough tumbler. He smells like sweat most of the time, he LOVES to be outside, he's so loud he even talks too loud, he's always busy and bossy and boyish. Could he ever be pretty too?

Being a Freshman, my dear boy decided to go to Homecoming this year. My heart only dropped slightly instead of plummeting since he's going with a group of boys and not a girl! Now the last time I saw my boy in a tie certainly was some Easter Sunday years ago when I donned him in some dorky dressy short outfit. I can't recall seeing him in a tie since he's been over 3 feet tall!

It's just a tie! It's not like it's some flowing beautiful gown that seems a prelude to a wedding dress. It's nothing that sparkles or shines. It doesn't have a fairytale flare nor a dazzling shimmer that brings out a bright smile. It's just a tie, a piece of fabric that hangs around your neck and it's boring and black and grey and white.

So on a Friday night my husband and I take our 15 year old son shopping for his Homecoming outfit. I wasn't even sure where to begin to find man-sized dress clothes. I wasn't even sure what his personal style would be. I mean, I could filter through piles of dresses and gowns and know what my daughters would like or deem hideous. What's in a tie? What's in some black boring dress pants? We ended up at a few different stores and put together an outfit fitting for a prince! I enjoyed the entire process and even learned a few things about men's sizing. There's so much to know; pants have two sizes, shirts have well -- like a thousand numbers, jackets have two sizes and a size 14 athletic shoe is not the same as a size 14 dress shoes. Yes, I was quite educated on the subject of men's clothing. Though I enjoyed having this experience with my son, it wasn't the same as the awes and ahs and gasps my girls would let out when something shiny caught their eye. It wasn't the same as seeing my girls twirl around in a three-way mirror with a sparkle in their eye that shined brighter than any sequins on the dress. No, this was bland and plain and there we no awes and ahs and gasps and giggles.

Since we pieced the outfit together from different stores, I couldn't wait to see the whole ensemble on my son so I told him as soon as we got home he was to try everything on. We got it all; pants, shirt, tie with matching hankie for his pocket, belt, shoes, socks. Everything was black, white and grey but it was crisp and sharp and nice.

Zachary didn't know how to tie a tie and I was all too willing to teach him. Yeah, being raised a good ole Catholic girl, I learned how to tie a tie by watching all those junior high boys frantically trying to get their uniform tie back on after recess. Being caught without your tie properly tied was a big offense. But my boy said a boy should learn to tie a tie from his Dad. And that he did. Then I said to the boy, "Stand back and let me see you." And it happened.

I cried.

Almost 18 years I have been a mother and here I am still learning the process. You see it's not the dress or the tie or the sequins and sparkle but it's all about the person inside the clothes. It's the little girl that is on the brink of womanhood that brings a mother to tears upon seeing her in her first formal gown. It's the grungy dirty stinky boy all cleaned up and grown up that brings a mother to tears. At that moment when your child is all spiffy and in "big boy" clothes, images of that chubby baby boy go flashing through your mind like a life video on fast forward.

I didn't let my husband nor my son see my tears. It's not just that these manly men don't understand the emotions of a mother but in that moment, my tears were private. They were the same tears I cried when the nurse exclaimed, "It's a boy!". They were the same tears I silently cried on my pillow when I had a sickly baby. They were the same tears I cried when I put that boy on a bus to Kindergarten and the same tears that stung my eyes the first time I heard an announcer calling out the starting line-up at a baseball game, ". . . . Zaaaachareeeeee Neewwwsoooooommmme. . . . ". Yes, those were private mom tears that I wanted to keep all to myself as I relished those passing moments of my boy stepping through life and now standing at the crossing into manhood.

And he was so pretty.

Daughters and Boys and Silver-Back Gorillas

Okay so it was bound to happen one day. Our daughters were going to want to start dating and worse yet, a boy was going to take a liking to our daughter.

And it did.

Having 17 and 16 year old daughters, the past few years have not been without crushes and infatuation but nothing along the lines of "dating seriously" or real boyfriends. There was this one young man, Ethan, that had a crush on Monica. He even showered her with her favorite sweets for Valentines Day one year but this young man was terrified of Jerry and so that relationship didn't last very long. The poor lad was even too afraid to say anything when he called the house and Jerry or I would answer the phone. He would just hang up and I'd think, "Okay Ethan, we have CALLER ID!"

But the girls never really made it any easier on themselves. They would tell would-be suitors, "My Dad will pretty much kill you if you ever come over." The girls themselves were not even certain if the "no dating until your 25" rule was real or a joke but they never questioned it for fear it might actually be true.

Tyler. Senior. Boy Scout. Drummer. Northmont Drumline. Star Wars Fanatic. Monica admirer. Poor unsuspecting soul.

Tyler wants to take Monica to Homecoming so we tell Monica he must come over and ask our permission to take her to the dance and we will lay down the rules. I couldn't help but think of a line in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" when Ian was converting to Greek Orthodox in order to marry Toula and during his baptism Toula thinks, "Any second now he's gonna look at me and say, "You're so not worth this."

Boy Scouts are brave souls. Tyler agrees to come over. At least Amanda helped put his mind at ease. Just before coming to our house Amanda and Tyler were IMing on the computer and Tyler asks Amanda for any advice and she says, "Well it really doesn't matter because my Dad pretty much doesn't like you so nothing is going to help."

Tyler has a style all his own. Sometimes his hair is spiked. Sometimes his clothes look raggy (okay, most times) and sometimes he sports a Star Wars lunch box but Tyler is who he is and most importantly, he's got the attention of our daughter.

Tyler comes over to talk to us and he pretty much comes under the pretense that Jerry and I think he's wretched soul. He comes in and sits down on the couch. Jerry is engaged in channel surfing and there's some small talk exchanged about sports, TV, etc.

I wish I had the entire visit on video because it's something I'd like to watch again and again. I rather enjoyed myself except for the times when I was feeling awful for Tyler. He sat in the corner of the couch pretty much being grilled by Jerry and I -- but mostly Jerry. I tried with all my might to be serious and strong but I couldn't help it, I mostly laughed because Jerry was trying to be so tough and mean. I will give you a few excerpts from our conversation.

In the middle of the conversation Jerry looks down and notices Tyler's worn out torn shoes (and mind you, he chooses to wear these) and abruptly says, "Son, do you get an allowance?" to which Tyler responds, "No Sir but I mow lawns." Pointing down to Tyler's shoes Jerry says, "Then you might want to see if you can pick up a few more lawns to mow and invest in a new pair of shoes."

But my favorite of the night was when Jerry asked Tyler if he knew anything about a Silver-back gorilla. Then he proceeds to tell him, "Well, a Silver-back is one of the strongest animals on the earth. He could snap you in half like a twig. So just think of me as a Silver-back Gorilla, you got me son?"

Alls well that ends well. Tyler left not only with his life but all his limbs in tact too. He got Jerry's permission to take Monica to Homecoming and he's even allowed to come over sometimes to visit with Monica as long as Jerry or I are there. And then Jerry added, "but the next time you come over you might want to check those shoes at the door."

Monica and Tyler moved over to the dining table to enjoy some chocolate cookies I made for them. I asked Tyler, "Have you ever had to go through anything like this before to take a girl to a dance or date her?" He told me no then I asked, "Well, is Monica worth it?" He looked over at her and smiled and said, "Yes, she is."

Right Answer.