The Memory of My Mom

When you become a parent, you can't help but look for yourself or your spouse in their tiny faces. As soon as a child is born, the parents immediately try to decipher who the child most resembles. If there are other siblings, you compare their features and look for that family resemblance. I see more of a resemblance in my children when I look back at their pictures from years ago. It's amazing how much one can look like the other. One time my brother-in-law was looking at some old pictures and said, "Amanda looks like Zach with hair!" I do see an awful lot of Newsome in Amanda and Zach. Amanda shares a very strong likeness with her Newsome cousin Hope. Monica is more Dodge -- her dark skin and curly hair is distracting to my likeness but if you look beyond those things, you'll see how much of me there is in her. But no matter what the strong resemblance seems to be, I see both sides of the family in each child. I especially like when they make an expression and it eerily looks just like an aunt or cousin of theirs. Genetics amazes me - creation amazes me. The Creator amazes me!

My mother died in 1989 so my children never knew her. It's been so long now and sometimes I'm sad how much my memory of her has slipped my mind. I mean, of course I remember her but sometimes I strain to hear the sound of her voice and I can't hear it, can't remember it. It seems the harder I try, the further the memory gets away from me. Memories mostly sneak up on me -- a scent or a sound will suddenly take me back to a moment in time when I was with my Mom -- sometimes it makes me happy or laugh but mostly, it makes me sad to miss her so much -- to still need her so much. Memories of Mom are private to me and I never really have discovered why. I can only talk to my kids and my sisters about my Mom -- talking about her to anyone else seems so invasive on my personal life. I can't explain it - -I don't know it -- I just feel it.

I don’t often see my Mom in my kids --although every now and then I'll catch a glimpse of Mom in Monica's expression -- but it's really a rare thing. I always look for those things, inherited traits, in their physical features but one day something about my Mom surfaced and completely and totally knocked me off my feet. One day, just an ordinary day doing the things we do -- I was in the kitchen and Monica was sitting at the counter. In the course of the conversation Monica started laughing and at that point, my back was turned to her. At the sound of her laughter, chills ran down my spine, tears welled up in my eyes and I felt like I had frozen in place and if I moved, I would just break into pieces. The most extraordinary sound reached my ears and threw me for a loop -- the sound of Monica's laughter was EXACTLY like my mother's. It wasn't as if I heard something similar to Mom. No, it was as if I was hearing my Mom. It was so real to me I felt if I turned around, there my mother would be but I knew that wasn't possible.

And yet, she was.

Mom is gone but in me and Amanda, Monica, Zachary and all of her descendents, she lives on.

Her smile beams on Courtney's face. Her laughter resonates in Monica's voice. Her compassion lives in Brittany's heart. Her art transforms through Sam's hands. Her music sings in Jeremy's soul. Her beauty radiates on Shelby's face. Her creativity runs through Emily's being. Her faithfulness is grounded in the essence of Amanda . Her tenderness is wrapped around Spencer's heart. Her eyes are seen where Zachary's lay. Her dedication serves at the hands of Val. Her liveliness jumps in the spirit of Sophie.

Her love drives us all.

In the simple ways we live our lives, we capture Mom. Just when a memory seems too faded to recall, it finds its way back to my heart through a smile or laughter or gesture in one of us.

I think Zach summed it up quite nicely one day when he said, "I think of Aubela as being the best of you, Aunt Val and Sassy all rolled into one."

The memory of my Mom is alive in all of us. I can hear her and touch her and see her. Our children know her because they know us. I will never forget her. I will never stop missing her but I will always be with her when I am with one of us.