Third Time's a Charm

Last fall Jerry and I packed up our van, Zach's 1995 red Chevy Blazer and a U-haul truck. There were clothes, hand-me-down furniture, kitchen supplies, food --A LOT of food and other college essentials. All loaded up. Destination, Three Rivers, Michigan.

Where ever in the world that place might be.

And when we got to Three Rivers, Michigan, we (they) started the unloading process and moving all of those clothes, hand-me-down furniture and stuff up three flights of stairs into a 2-bedroom apartment that would be shared between Zach, Trae and Austin.

There were emotions for sure but they were mostly in check. No tears. No break-downs --just your usual moving in stuff. Carrying boxes, unpacking boxes. Not that I particularly did much of any of that.

The apartment complex was -- it was an apartment complex that mostly housed families and it was not the most desirable place a mother would want to leave her 19 year old son. Separation anxiety I seemed to have none but this place was unsettling to this mother's heart.

Because giving your child over to a dorm is a whole different experience than giving them over to . . an apartment.

I walked over to a tree and under the coolness of it's shade, I began to doubt everything but mostly, I doubted leaving our son here in this place. There were tears. It's me, there always are tears and though the third time leaving a child at college, these were different tears.

Leaving Amanda at Miami and Monica at Kent my heartache was in all honesty, it was my own. It was about me missing them but behind those tears, there wasn't any fear. I didn't fear for their safety or well being. I had peace there. I also had no doubt that they both were in the exact place they should be. I had peace there as well. Miami suited Amanda. Kent suited Monica. They were both pursing their education, careers, futures and dreams and it started there, on those campuses. There was direction in the hearts and minds and though not without confusion and doubt, there was a plan.

Here in this place, Three Rivers, Michigan there was less clarity. Less certainty and really, we all seemed to lack direction. Though I did have peace in that this was the right path for Zach to pursue his own educational endeavors, I had no peace at all in this place we were leaving him.

And it made me feel like a bad mother.

It's six months later now. In some ways, things are better. In some ways things are the same. And probably, in some ways things might even be worse but I think my son is too kind to allow me to worry about those things. Ignorance is bliss.

Lessons in letting go. Letting go of your children is never easy. And the letting go experience is different for each child. Just as unique as each child is, your experience with them is also unique.

A few weeks ago Zach called and said he had a 3-day weekend and wanted to come home. I hurried myself into the kitchen to whip up a batch of his favorite chocolate cupcakes.

The weekend with my boy was all too short. Monday he kept putting off his departing time and when it was getting into the evening hour, I suggested to Zach he stay the night and get up early the next morning and get back in time for his 10am class. But Zach decided he wasn't much of a morning person and he thought it best to get back that evening.

And I walked over to the kitchen sink and the tears could not stop. I so much wanted another night at home with Zach.

That night when Zach finally left we hugged and said our good-byes. As soon as I heard the blazer drive off I ran up to my room and looked out the window --I watched the red tail lights on that blazer until they were completely out of site, sobbing and hurting.

The letting go lessons are hard for this mother. But they are good lessons, too. It is good for me to see my children spreading their wings and growing and learning. It makes a mother proud.

I cried leaving Miami. I cried leaving Kent. And well the third time really is a charm --because my boy really is a charm.

And I miss him.